"I Love You in the Whole World"

My youngest son just came to the study. He is four. His face grubby with barbecue sauce from his sandwich for lunch. Gave me a cuddle, a kiss and declared: "Mommy, I Love You in the Whole World!"

My second boy asked permission to scoot around the neighbourhood as finally the rain lifted and the skies are clear.

The eldest decided to meet up with his friends in the city.

The husband is out somewhere.

So here I am, in the company of a four-year old who never ceases to want and give kisses, cuddles and saying he loves me.

Motherhood defines me. I never thought I'd be a mother, let alone enjoy it and love being one immensely.

In my youth, I dreamed of going places, pursuing a career, be successful.

I still went places, I still pursued a career, but it is as much as to fulfil my dreams as it is to provide for my children and set an example for them.

And when my child says "mummy, I love you in the whole world!" That is the most exciting, fulfilling reward I could ever get.

I love you too boys, in the whole world.

When sleep evades

It's 4:47am as I write this. No, I did not have a nap during the day. No, I did not have coffee or tea. It's simply that sleep evades me tonight.

What's in my mind? Many things and nothing.  That's how it usually goes, is it not? That pervasive niggling thought that denies us sleep, yet we also consciously know that we can stay up all night and nothing is going to change.

Where is the "nothingness?" Because apart from my consciousness, my thoughts mean nothing to anyone else.

A habit I have as a child is to pick a book at random, and open a page at random. 

One book I opened on page 120 reads "the absence of guilt, pride, hate, envy makes life peaceful. And that is what the search has all been for - peace during the waking state which exists in the deep sleep state." It also speaks of Liberation as "the freedom from alternating sense of happiness and unhappiness... It is the total final understanding in the heart that there is no doer, no experiencer."(Confusion No More, Ramesh S. Balsekar)

The other book is of the Dalai Lama's teachings. Pretty powerful stuff but needs a lot of reflection. He wrote "love can arise on the basis of a clear recognition of the other person, and a genuine respect for the well being and rights of others... love based on strong attachment towards one's close ones is ...something that has to be ultimately purified. A certain degree of detachment must be developed."

With my eldest son finishing high school this year and hopefully continues on to university next year, I feel like these are timely messages to wean me off from my attachment with my first born. He will be a young adult in a few months, I need to let him fly and chase his destiny. And still be secure that I will always remain his mother.